If Your Dreams Have Shattered

"We don't care if it's a boy or a girl, as long as its healthy."

When soon to be parents say these words, my heart stops a little.

I know what they mean, of course. I probably uttered those words myself once upon a time. I'm sure I did.

But what if they aren't healthy?

No one wishes for that ending. No one hopes for that ending. But sometimes, the unexpected happens. Then what do you do?

When I was pregnant with twins, I was the most shocked pregnant woman you would ever wish to meet. There were no twins on my side or my husband's. We already had a beautiful little boy, healthy and happy. Suddenly, I was pregnant and so sick again with severe morning sickness. Then at a routine ultrasound, we learned that I was having twins. I came home in a dazed state. Was it really possible? Would we actually have two babies? I was thrilled at the prospect.

I've written before that during the months following, I dreamed of how it would be. I would have a little girl and boy. They would wear matching sailor suits of blue and white. Why sailor suits? I have no idea. Maybe I thought this is what twin siblings were supposed to wear. But in my mind's eye, I saw them toddling down a sidewalk, holding hands. Their backs were to me as they walked on a beautiful sunlit day.

But it wasn't to be.

The twins were unexpectedly born 2 1/2 months early. Their lungs could not function yet on their own. The next few weeks were a blur of caring for my little boy at home and going to the hospital to see our twins in the NICU.

It was a happy day when two months later, they were able to come home at last. Finally, I thought, we could begin our happily ever after.

A few months went by and I began to notice that they were not progressing as I thought they should be. There seemed to be developmental delays. My daughter, especially, seemed very stiff when I tried to cuddle her. They both cried almost all day long. They were not sitting up on their own. I talked with their pediatrician who assumed the delays were due to their premature birth. But I couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong.

Some time later, a neurologist did an MRI and the results came back - cerebral palsy. The brain damage looked severe. She could not tell us if they would ever walk or even talk.

Then one of our twins, Alex, began having episodes where he would suddenly stop breathing. The first time it happened, I was giving him a small bottle of apple juice. He was drinking when he coughed and turned a dusky blue and became limp in my arms. I felt like I was moving in slow motion. An ambulance came and he was taken to the ER. We hoped that this was just an isolated incident, but in fact, this would happen again and again. He was diagnosed with an additional diagnosis of tracheomalacia which meant that his trachea would suddenly collapse, making it impossible to breathe.

My world suddenly became very small. I wanted to enjoy their childhood and enjoy our days. But fear and exhaustion were constant companions. Every single day was filled with fear. A day could start out normally, but end up back in an emergency room. There were times that he almost died, but somehow would pull through. I think it was hard for other people to understand what our daily life had become. It sometimes seemed we were living hour by hour. There just isn't a way to convey the stress that we were under.

I wondered where God was. I was so very tired. There seemed to be no end to the circumstances we were now in. I stood in hospital rooms and looked out the window. I craved ordinary days doing ordinary things. I wanted to be standing in my home doing the dishes and watching my children playing with no threat of illness or death.

One evening when we were all home, there was a knock at our door. A young couple, who also worked at the same ministry, stood on our porch. They came to tell us that they were pregnant and were having twins. I managed to congratulate them. I must have said all the regular things that are said at these times. But as soon as they left and the door clicked shut behind them, I had a conversation with God. "Are You serious? Am I supposed to watch someone else have twins - normal twins that have no health problems? Their twins will be able to walk and run and do all the things my children cannot do. Please, God, it's too much." I was happy for this couple. I would not wish health problems on anyone's children. But now, I not only felt that God had abandoned me, I felt he was giving my dreams to someone else. Why? I didn't know. I couldn't make sense of anything.

Over time as I tried to give my shattered dreams to God, He was able to bring some sort of peace to my heart. But it was a process - a very slow going process.I would take three steps forward, then five steps back.

Are you facing a crisis in your life right now? Maybe our situations are different, but on some level, I understand. Are there dreams you have that have been shattered into a million pieces? I'm so sorry. I wish I could put it all back together for you. I wish I could just make it better. But I can, in some small way, say to you that God has not forgotten you. He can put your heart back together. You may be standing in the ashes of all your hopes, but somehow, God can bring beauty out of it all. I can say it and know it's true, because this is what He has done for me.

It certainly didn't happen overnight. And honestly, at times, I still struggle. I was at a baby shower recently and when I got back in my car, I sat and cried. Grief will sneak up on you like that. I still wonder what might have been. I can't imagine how different life could have been had our twins been born healthy.

And yet, despite all the trauma, despair, and agony of soul, God has shown His kindness to me a million times over. He has been a very real friend to me and walked with me through the darkest valleys. I think you only get to know someone, really know someone, when you go through a crisis together. Jesus and I have walked and talked and cried together. He has let me know countless times that He was there. Sometimes I was aware of this during a hard time, sometimes not. Oftentimes we aren't truly aware that He was indeed there until time has passed.

That I may know him, and the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of his sufferings, being made conformable unto his death;



I've thought of this verse many times over the years. There is fellowship of his sufferings each time we go through the pain of not understanding why. But more and more, I want to know Him, really know Him. I was praying today and telling Him how I wished He had never had to suffer all the things that were done to Him. I wish He could have avoided it all. But I know that His answer would be, "You were worth it all." A few years ago, I would never have replied with that answer, at least in regards to myself. But now I know it's true.

This life is truly so short. We will probably never have all the answers to our whys. But maybe there is something more He wants to accomplish. Maybe He just wants you. You are better than a thousand sunrises and sunsets to Him. He is really interested in you. You matter to Him. Your life is significant. You can trust Him when there seems to be no answers.

Sweetness in Hope

You've often heard the term, "Hope springs eternal." I was thinking about that saying today and how true it really is.

Lately when I've been feeling discouraged, I will stop what I'm doing and just wait for a moment. If I can get in a quiet spot, I will wait and search deep within myself. Then I will think, "It is still there!"

The "it" is hope. I can literally feel it moving around inside my chest. It is almost like a translucent bubble that I can sense bouncing around inside of me.

From the outside, my problems are still there just as big as they ever were. My outward trials haven't went away. But inside my heart, I can feel hope floating and soaring- reassuring me that even though I haven't received an answer, my hope remains.

One version of Romans 15:13 reads:

May the God of your hope so fill you with all joy and peace in believing [through the experience of your faith] that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound and be overflowing (bubbling over) with hope.

I am like anyone else. I often ask the Lord, "Oh, Lord, how long? How long?" to whatever trial I am facing. There isn't always an answer the way I would like to see an answer.

But there is a sweet hope that is like a bubbling stream deep on the inside of me.  And I know that hope remains. Where there is hope, there is life.

Sometimes when I read about someone who has taken their life, my heart grieves. That hope within them must have been lost. It is crucial to keep that hope alive.

Sometimes people will say, "Get your hopes up." I would rather say, "Keep your hope alive. Keep feeding that hope with reassuring words."

 I speak things over myself. I speak things that I believe God says about me. That causes that little bubble of hope to float happily within me day after day.

Are you feeling unhappy or filled with despair? Activate that hope once again. Tell yourself that you will hope in God, no matter what the circumstances look like. Circumstances can look gloomy and quickly fill us with despair, but our hope can remain intact. Practice speaking words of life to yourself.

"Spring up, O well!"

Linking Up to: momfessionals.com savvysouthernstyle.net

My Hope Rests in God

Hope 

To trust in, wait for, look for, or desire something or someone; or to expect something beneficial in the future.

I used to live in beautiful southern Mississippi in a home built around 1910. It sat on 50 acres and I used to love to walk across those pastures and pour my heart out to God. I was 21 years old.

I didn't call that time a devotional. I still don't like the word devotional. Although I am sure there are hundreds of great devotional books out there, I don't own any.

It was just that time I looked forward to.

I felt like when I opened the gate and stepped into the pasture, Jesus was there waiting for me. I believe He was.

There is still something about being outside that makes me feel close to God.

We visited Colorado a couple of years ago and when I walked around Garden of the Gods in Colorado Springs, I caught my breath. There was that same feeling of God being close by. The beauty of His creation lends itself to feeling His nearness. (I think staying indoors too long can be detrimental to our well being.)

Anyway, back to Mississippi. I was attending college at that time and looking forward to finishing and going off to Bible school. That was where my heart was. I had some very sure promises from God that I was waiting to see fulfilled.

But I had to set those things aside for the time being while I finished my degree. I still had hope in my heart for the dreams that I had, but it was time to get down to the business of finishing what was before me.

I would often walk and talk with the Lord. Sometimes I would cry as I tried to convey all that was on my heart.  I can't always say that I heard God speak to me. But I felt His nearness and I felt His interest in my life.

Soon I finished my degree and did get to go to Bible school. The promises God gave me did come true. But it wasn't instantaneous. It was a process.

I met my husband there and after we were to be married, we would be moving to Iowa. On the last time that I walked that pasture behind my parent's home, I did hear the Lord speak to me. He said, "I'll miss these times with you." I have never forgotten those words.

Now all these years later, I am waiting for promises to come to pass. I am staying busy with the business at hand, but my heart yearns to see what I only see by faith right now.

I still feel Him beside me. He has been a faithful friend. There are a lot of things that I don't understand. Sometimes the waiting seems like it will go on forever. Maybe I won't see the end that I am hoping for.Will I see my daughter healed? I don't know. Will I see our son healed? I just have no way of knowing. But I continue to hope. He is very kind. He has seen all my tears and my fears.  He understands as He reaches out to take my hand and walk with me through the unknown.

I always tell Him that on the day I see Him face to face, I want to know Him and I want Him to know me. It is through these hard experiences that we truly come to know God.

Romans 5:5 says this:

And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

I don't know how to end except to say that I want to continue to choose to trust God.

Linking up to: impartinggrace.com

Hope

Of all the books of the Bible, the one I have liked to read and underlined the most is probably Isaiah. I love the story of Hezekiah and how his future was changed. He became ill and the Bible says, was at the point of death. Even Isaiah came to him and said essentially, "This is it. Put your house in order.You are going to die." But it says that Hezekiah turned his face to the wall and cried out to the Lord. Sometimes I think I know just how Hezekiah felt. This is such a descriptive statement when it says that he turned his face to the wall.  Haven't we all done that during a crisis and said, "God, I just don't know what to do. Please help me!" Then God told Isaiah, "Go back and tell Hezekiah that I've heard his prayers and I'm adding fifteen years to his life and also I will deliver you from the hand of the king of Assyria." If I were Isaiah, I think I would have said, "Couldn't I just have told him all this to begin with?" But it must have been important for Hezekiah to hear the bad news first so that he would pray. I would rather skip the bad news, too. Wouldn't you? But the crying out to God cannot be skipped.

source - Time magazine

Sometimes God has shown me things when I have least expected it. I'm only sharing this to encourage someone. I am not setting myself up as an example of a great person of prayer because I am far from it. But one morning I was making the bed. I suddenly saw (in my mind's eye) a lady dressed from head to toe in black. I knew she must be from an Arab nation. I also knew that she was in deep distress. This all occurred in a matter of seconds. I wasn't doing anything spiritual. I don't even remember if I was praying while making the bed.  But I stopped and prayed for her until I felt like she was out of danger. This was a few years ago and to be honest, I don't remember a lot of the details apart from how she was dressed. But a short time ago, I was in the kid's dentist office, reading a Time magazine. I was reading about Syria and all the turmoil that is going on there right now. I turned the page and saw a photograph of a lady dressed from head to toe in black. She had on a long black gown and the black head wrap and veil. I'm not saying this is the lady I saw that morning several years ago, but she was dressed the same. I'm sharing all this to say that sometimes God uses our own circumstances in extraordinary ways.

I think that if life always went the way we would like it to go, we would be limited in certain areas of our life. Because we live in a fallen world, we are going to have to go through some hard things from time to time. There are times when you are not going to receive an explanation as to the why .  You are just going to receive the bad news as Hezekiah did. But those are the times that will make us or break us. I really am speaking to myself, also. I am tired of bad reports from doctors.  But on the flip side, those bad reports cause me to cling to God. And during those times, He reveals Himself to me in extraordinary ways. He wants to do the same thing for you.

Most of my days are very normal and are just like any other mom's day. There is laundry, meals, cleaning bathrooms, ect., ect. But there is always a heart's cry going up. "God, deliver us. God help me. God, I need you. God don't be silent. God, You must come through in this circumstance." Sometimes I literally sit in my closet and pour out my heart until there is nothing left to say. But there is an assurance that God has heard me. I don't have dreams and visions and angels coming down to talk to me, although that would be great! But every now and then, the Lord lets me experience something that is apart from my problems and a part of something bigger.

I was reading from Isaiah this morning and I was struck at the number of times it says how God, "stretched out the heavens". He is always reminding us of how He has created the heavens and the earth. He placed the stars in their positions. He wants us to know how big He is, yet his concern over each one of us is so personal. He was concerned for this lady, whoever she may be, and had someone far away pray for her safety. She matters to the Him.

When we receive news that is hard to hear, the important thing on our parts is turning to God and crying out to Him. Things may not get instantly better. You may not have a prophet come to you and say, "There's been a change of plans." But God will use your circumstance to your benefit. I am saying this totally by faith, because I really and totally don't like a lot of our cirmcumstances a good share of the time. But despite them, He has shown Himself faithful to me. As we draw near to God, He in turn, will draw near to us. During those times, He will speak to you and direct you to pray for others who are going through their own cirmcumstances and your heart will have been made tender for them.


"We are built for the valley, for the ordinary stuff we are in, and that is where we have to prove our mettle." Oswald Chambers

If You've Ever Felt That God Has Let You Down

Alex and Elisa in Mississippi

I'd like to tell you that I've always believed that God knew what He was doing. There have been times when I've honestly questioned God's decisions.

I recently watched a documentary about the Titanic. A man was talking about the retrieval of items from the ship. He said that most of the items had a very bad odor because of being in the mud and muck for so many years. But one day they opened a leather satchel in the room and the most beautiful fragrance came out and filled the room. It came from a tiny vial of perfume inside the case. As he shared about this, he began to cry (and so did I). He said, "We were always dealing with death from the Titanic, but for this one moment she was alive again." That story could be used in so many ways when dealing with grief and pain in our lives. If we are willing to lay our broken and shattered dreams before Him, with no satisfying explanation as to the why of it all, He can bring forth beauty from our ashes.


Twenty years ago (it is so hard to believe that it has been this long ago) we were expecting twins. It was such an exciting time as there are no twins on either side of our families. Somehow we knew it would be a boy and a girl. I can still remember the plans I made about their impending arrival. I could see in my imagination, a little boy and girl hand in hand toddling down the sidewalk of Teen Challenge. Whenever I thought about them, this was the image that would be in my mind each time.

But it was not to be. The twins arrived several weeks prematurely. Alex weighed 2 lbs. and Elisa weighed 3 lbs. I remember the first time I looked at them. Elisa seemed to look good and even had a little baby fat on her cheeks. But when I saw Alex, I burst into tears. He looked so tiny and sickly. There was really nothing we could do at that time, but pray and trust God for their futures.

We didn't learn until later that both Alex and Elisa had cerebral palsy. I had been noticing developmental delays in both children for some time, but hoped that it was just due to their prematurity. But an MRI was ordered and the neurologist gave us the bad news. She didn't know what the future would hold for them.  Dave and I left her office in a state of shock.

I was trying to cope as best I could with the news. But the heartbreak was almost unbearable at times. My constant dream of Alex and Elisa walking hand in hand down the sidewalk was quickly fading. The death of that dream was particularly hard.

I asked God "Why?" many times, but didn't seem to get an answer. Sometimes, I felt like He was standing and beckoning for me to walk down some unknown road with Him, but to be honest,  I wasn't too interested in following at the time.

Sometime later, I found out that another couple we knew were expecting twins. I remember being angry with God about this. My thoughts were, "Why are You allowing them to have healthy twins but You didn't let us experience that?" I truly didn't want them to go through what we were going through. I wanted them to have healthy children, but my heart was so hurt. God had truly hurt me, I felt. I remember thinking, "If this is how You treat Your friends, then how would You treat Your enemies?"

Any theological thoughts I may have ever had about pain and suffering were pretty much out the window by that time. I didn't understand, and I didn't understand God. He had let me down.

And yet, where do you go if you can't go to God? He was my dearest friend. I really didn't want to be separated from Him at all. He was really the only one that understood what I was feeling. If you think about your closest friend, what comes to mind? Usually, you are close because of all the experiences you have shared together - good times and especially bad times. That is what has made you close. Somehow and slowly, a decision was made once again in my heart that God hadn't changed. He was still kind and good. It may forever remain a mystery as to the why of our situation, but He remains faithful to the end. Many times over the years, I have sensed His nearness to me. The Bible says that He is close to the brokenhearted. I know that to be very true. When Alex suddenly went to be with the Lord at the age of four, I knew that God was covering me and blanketing me with His comfort.

I read a line out of a book in Dave's library once. It was either a book by A.W. Tozer or someone similiar. I think I must have been very bored that day and looking for something to read. But a line from the book caught my attention and I have thought of it many times since. It said something about "the altogether otherness of God". He isn't just like me, He is altogether other from me. I took it to mean that His ways and workings are vastly different from mine. Someday, I will look at Him and He will look at me, and I will understand. I will totally understand.

Of course, that doesn't mean that it's been all sunshine and roses. To this day, I still cry. Especially when I see a girl Elisa's age experiencing all the milestones such as getting a driver's license, shopping for clothes and makeup and making plans for their futures. It is terribly unfair. It isn't the way things were supposed to be. Do I believe that God can heal Elisa? Yes, I do. Will she be healed? I just don't know. Can I reconcile that with the belief that God is kind and loving? Somehow, yes. But only because I know Him. I know what He is like. I know His character and His dealings with me. He rescued me. He has loved me totally and completely and longs to love you in the same way.


Our human feelings are so fickle and really can't be trusted. I'm learning still to tell my feelings to settle down and get out of my way. I can act independently of how I am feeling in a moment of time. No, I don't always like doing that. And I still wrestle with thoughts such as, "God, are You there? Have you forgotten us?" That way of thinking is very much a slippery slope for me and before I know it, I can be in deep despair. It does take an effort on my part, to turn what I am thinking around.

The best advice I could ever give to anyone reading this who may be going through a dark and lonely time, is this. Don't try and live several years from now. You don't know what the future holds. The future may be quite different from what you are envisioning it to be. There will be happiness in your future. Live today and then tomorrow and don't try and live ahead of that. God gives us the grace we need daily. He is there with you, even if it doesn't seem like He is. He is in constant watch over you and will never leave your side.

  I've learned that even in the midst of hard times, you can still find joy. I try and never take anything for granted. I stop and watch sunsets and point them out to my kids. I want them to notice beauty in everyday life. I hope their lives are full of peace, but I also want them to know that even if they are experiencing turmoil, God is a very present help in time of trouble. I know that at times, all the signs point to the feeling of God having let us down in some way. He is silent when we wish He would speak. Or He does things that baffle us and our whole being cries out, "But I wouldn't do it like that!" Somehow through all the confusion and weariness of the battle, He is standing and beckoning to you and to me to follow. I know the feeling of taking a peek at the road He is standing on while He is looking at you. It doesn't look like a road we would pick for ourselves. It dips down out of sight and we who like to know exactly what each day holds, draw back in fear. But He smiles so warmly and picks us up, and holds us tight, because this journey is never one He asks you to go alone.


Linking up to:  kellyskornerblog.com