An Introduction

Hi! My name is Kathy and I'm a wife and mom to six kids. I'm linking up with one of my favorite blogs, Kelly's Korner, today with my introduction. As it says on my sidebar, I'm a pastor's wife, but I don't have a perfect life. Not by a long shot:) But it is a joy filled, grace filled life. Life doesn't have to be perfect in order to be happy.

Our six kids range in ages from 25 all the way down to age 10! I wrote about our last little surprise here.  He was born when I was 42 years old and oh, the joy he has brought to our home! Don't worry if you find yourself in your forties and you are unexpectedly pregnant. It will be okay and it will be wonderful!

Our youngest a few years ago:)

I met my husband at a Bible college in Louisiana. He was a Teen Challenge graduate and later, we lived and worked at a Teen Challenge ministry in Iowa for fourteen years, where he was the director of the men's program.  In 2002, he became the lead pastor at a church in a nearby city. He has been the pastor for the last fourteen years and loves his job so much.



Back to our family, our oldest daughter has CP. Her twin brother passed away at the age of four. I wrote about that day recently here.   

A little about me...I love reading blogs, and most of my favorites are from young moms. I remember the days when all my kids were young. Believe me when I say that some of your best memories are being made today, even though you are so tired and you wonder if you are doing a good job. You are! I write a little about those days here with a post called "Advice to Young Moms". You are doing a phenomenal job!

I love all things to do with New York City.

I remember reading an article where a mom wrote that she had begun being interested in NYC while watching Sesame Street with her little ones. I remember thinking that my interest had been piqued then, too. I really don't know for sure when my love for that great city began. But I've been blessed to have gone twice now. Our first visit was two years ago for our 25th wedding anniversary. I wrote about that magical visit here. If you love the movie "You've Got Mail" with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan too, then you will want to read that post:) I hope I get to visit NYC again soon.

I love the season of fall. To me, it's the most magical and special time of year! You can read a little about my love of fall here.

I love lipsticks. Isn't that funny? But a lipstick in my shopping cart makes me happy. Maybe because I'm so pale and you can hardly see me until I have lipstick on?

I do fashion posts now and then, which is funny really, because for years I owned about one shirt. Well, that may be a slight exaggeration, but not much. Thank goodness I found blogs like Kelly's and also this one. www.pinteresttoldmeto.blogspot.com. Shaeffer's blog is about the most fun blog you'll ever read. Here she is below.

www.sheaffertoldmeto.com

 One of my fashion posts is here.

I love holidays, too! My favorite of all is Thanksgiving with Christmas right behind that.

Photo Courtesy - Nell Hill

Two years ago at Christmas (our home)

Our living room this past Christmas:)

I love movies. My favorite movie is Father of the Bride with Steve Martin. My favorite drama is the movie Slumdog Millionaire. I'm going to write about that movie soon. It really changed my life. Can a movie really do that? It can when God is involved:)

That's a little bit about me. I would have to say that I'm only an occasional blogger. But I would love to hear from you, especially all the young moms out there. I have a soft spot in my heart for all of you. Much love to each one of you!

Linking up with
www.kellyskornerblog.com

The Day We Brought Home Wheelchairs

courtesy Pinterest
Do you ever feel like then when you are facing the storms of life?

Not long after our twins were diagnosed with CP, our physical therapist began to talk with us about getting wheelchairs for them. At that time, we used a double stroller, which didn't really work well at all, but it was better than nothing. We had to use blankets to help prop them up in a sitting position and even then, they had a tendency to slide down and become extremely uncomfortable.

We made an appointment at the University Hospital in Iowa City and began the process. I struggled with the whole idea of wheelchairs. The permanence of the situation became more clear when the idea of wheelchairs were introduced.

At our appointment, they shared that I would need to come with the kids and stay at the hospital for two weeks while they were being evaluated and measured for their chairs. I hadn't counted on that scenario. Our littlest boy, Tyler, was just a toddler and I wondered if he would forget me.

The day arrived and we loaded up the kids and my things and headed back to Iowa City. During the afternoon, they were measured and fitted for their wheelchairs.In the mornings, they were evaluated by doctors, physical therapists, occupational therapists, and cognitve therapists. They were extremely fussy kids during this age and to even step out of the room to go and grab a bite to eat next door required feats of imagination. They loved Barney and Donut Man videos, so I would talk to them about mom having to get something to eat, turn on the video, rush out the door, walk/run over to the cafeteria, eat quickly and walk back just as the video was ending. If I could manage that, all was well. I think I pretty much inhaled the food and wasn't even aware what I was eating. (For some reason that I can't recall right now, the patients were served meals on that floor, but the parents that were staying had to eat next door at the hospital.)

Since I stayed so busy during the day, it wasn't too bad. But the nights were terrible. I can remember the kids finally falling asleep in a strange room.  Then I would sit by the window looking out over the University of Iowa campus. There was a clock out in the center of the yard that I would look at. I cried a lot of those nights missing my other two kids. It was just a very lonely time.

One evening the staff said I had a visitor. I walked out of the room and was met by Rick and Jodie Miller. Rick had been a student at Teen Challenge where my husband worked. He and Jodie lived in a town about an hour away. They had heard we were there and had brought a whole KFC meal for us. I will never forget how their kindness felt to my heavy and lonely heart. A meal and a kind word can mean so much!

I think I was doing pretty well overall during those two weeks until they brought me a catalog with photos of various wheelchairs. Maybe they thought it was an exciting process to choose one.  It wasn't. Every dream I had had up to that point now shattered into a million jagged pieces. I sat down at the little kiddie table in the room and cried.

When Dave arrived to take us home, we put the kids in their car seats and then he loaded those chairs into the back of the van. My whole body and mind felt bruised and broken.

When we arrived back at Colfax, Dave's mom was there watching our other two children. I'm sure I must have said something to her, but all I remember is going back and lying down on the bed. I couldn't even cry anymore.  We sat the kids in their little red seats to watch television and I asked Dave to please put the wheelchairs somewhere that I didn't have to look at them right then. After an hour or so, I heard Dave and his mom talking in the kitchen. Faye was making supper for us. For some reason, the sound of normal activity soothed my spirit. I got up and walked in and watched her making meatballs. I am convinced that her presence helped me heal just a little that day.  Everything within me felt broken.  I needed something to be normal and routine and just ordinary.

The wheelchairs did help the kids. They seemed to feel so much secure in them than they had in their stroller. It wasn't the easiest thing to load two wheelchairs and go anywhere, but Dave was always so good about it. He seemed to know that on certain days, I just had to get out for awhile. Many times he would get home from work (and I'm sure he was tired) and say, "Let's load up!" I would have the kids in the van in minutes while he loaded up their chairs and we would be off for Des Moines:)

Sometimes we have to adjust.

My heart goes out to you if you are in a tough situation right now.

It wasn't supposed to be this way, you may be thinking.

I know.

Give yourself some time. Things will start to look better. It won't be this sad forever. Twenty-two years have passed since that day and there has been a lot of joy since then. There will be for you, too.

Psalm 147:3 says, "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit." ( Psalm 34:18)

I love the verse that says, "God will give you a crown of  beauty for ashes." (Isaiah 61:3)  If you feel like the dream you had for your life, your children, or your marriage has died, give it to the One who can resurrect and restore all the brokenness that you feel right now.

Things will get better. It won't stay this way forever.

Love and blessings,
Kathy

Part 2 Weeping May Endure for a Night

Part 1   To read Part 1, click here.

 To recap, our twins, Alex and Elisa, were born 10 weeks early on November 5, 1991. About one year later, they were diagnosed with cerebral palsy. It was a devastating diagnosis. All my dreams of a little boy and girl toddling down the sidewalk together were suddenly gone and in its place was a very uncertain future.

But God's hand was definitely on their lives. Alex had almost died once before at Blank Children's Hospital when he was three years old.  A few months later, he saw a photograph of my Aunt Loretta while visiting at my parents' home in Mississippi. He told my mom that he had met Loretta. My mom had said, "Oh, honey, you didn't get to meet her. She passed away a few months ago." Alex replied, "I saw her. When I was at the hospital and I was very sick, she was in a white robe and she waved at me and said "Hallelujah!'." He had not said anything about this to us before. It was as if seeing her photo, jogged his memory.


______________________________________________________________________________
PART 2

January 18, 1996 was a normal, ordinary day.

Dave's mom happened to be up visiting. I remember going into the kitchen of our trailer at Teen Challenge and putting Alex and his twin sister, Elisa, into their wheelchairs at the kitchen table. Evan was also sitting at the table with them. (They were all 4 years old at the same time for about a 3 month time period. That next month, Evan would turn 5.) I set up some finger paints and paper and got out the paint brushes. Since Dave's mom was there to help out, I could relax a little and do something fun with them.  Dave brought over some breakfast from the Teen Challenge kitchen -pancake and sausage on a stick. It's strange the funny little things that you will remember for always.

It was snowing outside and the weather report wasn't looking promising. We were going to be in for a big snowfall that day.

I remember watching Alex a little warily. The day before had been quite a bit warmer, but today the temperatures had dropped drastically. That was never a good thing for him. He was very susceptible to croup and, in the past few years, had stopped breathing because of it. He also had a condition apart from the cerebral palsy called tracheaomalacia. This meant that the sleeve of membrane that houses the trachea had never firmed up and was floppy. This caused the croup to become much worse, or exacerbated the condition. I noticed that his ears had some drainage, too. But, for the time being, he was enjoying painting at the table with his brother and sister.

A few events stand out in my mind from that day. I remember getting on to Alex about something and giving him a swat on his bottom. He happened to be crawling down the hallway at that moment and actually crawled right out of his pants. It's funny to think of now.

Then later that afternoon we watched The Donut Man together. We were watching the Resurrection Celebration and there was a part of the episode he didn't care for. A lady was very sad  talking about her husband who had passed away. I remember that Alex didn't like watching that part at all, even though by the end of the story, the lady was happy again as The Donut Man and the kids sang about Jesus' resurrection.

Something else had occurred about a month before that had also struck me as unusual. Dave and I had been gone overnight for a Teen Challenge staff retreat and had returned home the next evening. I had picked out a present for the kids and was excited to show it to them. As soon as I walked into the trailer, Alex took one look at me and burst into tears. I tried to show him the gift, but he just seemed to want to sit in my lap. I held him for the longest time until he finally calmed down. It was unusual for him to react in that way. When I look back at that time, I wonder if he somehow knew that he wouldn't be with us for much longer.

The temperatures continued to drop that day into the evening. The snow began to pile up in front of our screen door until it was hard to even open it. Christopher, my brother-in-law, also worked at Teen Challenge and came over with his guitar. He played a few worship songs while we all sat in the living room together. That was unusual, too. That wasn't a normal, everyday occurrence.  Usually, we got the kids to bed for the night and maybe watched some television.

Soon after, it was the kids' bedtime. I said goodnight to the boys, who shared a room, and gave Alex his drink of water. He asked me what we would have for breakfast the next day. For some reason, he always liked to know. I sang a couple of songs to him that he liked. The first was a little song whose title I can't remember. But it went, "He went walking and leaping and praising God." The second song was, "I Have Decided to Follow Jesus." I told the boys good night and then went on to bed. I didn't know it then, but I had just spoken the last words to Alex that I would ever say.

 I heard Alex's cup hit the ground. That was a funny little quirk of his. He would finish his sippy cup of water and then throw it on the floor. I guess since he couldn't walk, he figured that was as good a way as any.

About 5 a.m. I suddenly awoke to a terrible sound. I could hear Alex in the next room, struggling to breathe. I ran into his room and scooped him up and yelled for Dave. I knew right away that it was very bad.

Dave took him from my arms. Alex stopped breathing. Dave began giving him mouth to mouth resuscitation. Alex seemed to rouse a bit and Dave pushed open the door and stepped out on the deck with him. Sometimes the cold air helped. But Alex went out again. I can remember Dave saying Alex's name, trying to get him to breathe again.

I called 911 as I had done in the past and told them to please hurry and come around to the back of the building where our trailer was located. I knew that there wasn't time to spare. The weather was terrible. There were drifts of snow everywhere, but then I saw their lights flashing and knew they had made it. In the cold, dark night, I followed the ambulance crew out and climbed into the front seat. Dave would follow in the van. We lived about 30 minutes from the hospital. We went quickly down the interstate and another ambulance met us around the Altoona exit. I remember hearing instructions being shouted and the name of a drug being administered (I believe it was epinephrine) and then we were on our way again. Several people were blocking my view of Alex. I kept praying and looking back and suddenly someone moved out of the way so that I could see. They were doing chest compressions on Alex. My heart sunk and I felt so much fear. His heart had never stopped before and I knew then that this night was different from all the other times. We pulled into the hospital and Alex was quickly whisked away from me while a lady asked me questions. I had a hard time even knowing what my name was at this point. I wished so much that Dave was there. I walked into a room where a chaplain met me. I don't really remember what she said, but I remember asking her to please go and find out what was happening to my little boy. She came back and said, "It's not looking good." The ambulance crew walked past the door and they looked so sad. Dave walked into the room and we sat together in shock. I'm not sure what we said to one another. I remember standing up and walking into the hallway where I saw the doctor approaching us. I will never forget his words for as long as I live.

End of Part 2

Linking up to:  womenlivingwell.org                                                            impartinggrace.com

 

Weeping May Endure for a Night -Part 1 (When God Seems Silent)

When we first found out that our twins had cerebral palsy, it didn't come as a complete surprise. I had been noticing some things that didn't seem quite right, but the doctor had said the developmental delays were probably due to their prematurity (they were born 10 weeks early in 1991). I noticed that both children would often have a "stiffness" to their bodies. It was hard to cuddle them in the way you normally would with an infant or toddler. They didn't sit up, crawl, or walk at the time you would expect those milestones. They cried almost non-stop throughout the day. There might be a 45 minute reprieve during a nap, but then the crying would start again. To say I was a frazzled mom would be an understatement. We also had a very precious little boy, Evan, born exactly 9 months earlier, who I felt was getting too little of my attention. Sometimes he and I would drive into the next little town  for a hamburger at Burger King and a quick stop at the grocery store. He was such a wonderful little companion and never any trouble to take anywhere. But then we would return home. I would try my best to love and nurture the twins, but I was operating in survival mode. I was also truly exhausted. I poured out my heart to God time and time again. They were prayers of utter desperation, "Oh God, please, please, help me."  But in all honesty, all I could hear was silence. Looking back now, I can see that God was close, so close, but I couldn't really see it or sense it.

I wish I could say that things got better, but to be honest, things became worse. One of our twins, Alex, suddenly stopped breathing one afternoon. I seemed to be experiencing everything in slow motion. I called for my husband who quickly took Alex and began rescue breathing while I called the ambulance. Alex turned a dusky blue color, but then began breathing again. The doctor examined him at the emergency room, but couldn't find anything wrong. From then on, I lived in constant fear of this happening again. It did happen again - many times. I can't even explain the feeling of never knowing what a day would bring. We began to see a pattern that gave us some level of being able to predict a breathing episode. If it was warm one day and then the temperature dropped the next day, we could be fairly certain that Alex would have problems breathing. He would quickly develop croup,which always seem to lead to his system totally shutting down.

I prayed so many times. I was so full of fear and panic. I wasn't even sure God was hearing me. I had never felt so alone in my life. Somehow, Dave and I managed to get through life day by day, hour by hour, sometimes minute by minute. Dave has always been the strong one that I can lean on, but I know how hard it has been on him. I know the times that he has felt overwhelmed and exhausted, yet having to make life and death decisions. I don't know how many times I have seen him working on Alex and trying to get him to breathe again.

One time in particular stands out in my mind. Alex was once again taken to the hospital and admitted. Dave was with him on this day, while I had went  home to be with our other children. Alex's condition suddenly began to deteriorate. He began having trouble getting his breath and he asked Dave, "Say good job, Dad. Say good job." Dave leaned in close and said those words to him as he tried to calm himself and Alex. Dave called for the nurses and Alex was quickly put into the intensive care unit.  They gave Alex medication to put him in a coma like state so that he didn't have to fight so hard to breathe. After many anxious days, he was able to come back home. He had pulled through yet another time. He was just three years old.

It was some time later when we were visiting my parents in Mississippi, that we had a glimpse into that time he had spent in intensive care. He was sitting in my parent's living room and happened to see a photo of my aunt Loretta. He pointed to her photo and said, "I know her." My mom said to him, "Oh, honey, you never got to meet her. She is with Jesus now." Alex looked again and said, "I saw her. When I was very sick at the hospital, I saw her. She had on a white robe and she looked at me and said, 'Hallelujah!'" My mom and I looked at each other in wonder. He hadn't said anything about it until that moment when he saw my aunt Loretta's picture. That photo seemed to have triggered his memory.

*End of Part 1

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If You've Ever Felt That God Has Let You Down

Alex and Elisa in Mississippi

I'd like to tell you that I've always believed that God knew what He was doing. There have been times when I've honestly questioned God's decisions.

I recently watched a documentary about the Titanic. A man was talking about the retrieval of items from the ship. He said that most of the items had a very bad odor because of being in the mud and muck for so many years. But one day they opened a leather satchel in the room and the most beautiful fragrance came out and filled the room. It came from a tiny vial of perfume inside the case. As he shared about this, he began to cry (and so did I). He said, "We were always dealing with death from the Titanic, but for this one moment she was alive again." That story could be used in so many ways when dealing with grief and pain in our lives. If we are willing to lay our broken and shattered dreams before Him, with no satisfying explanation as to the why of it all, He can bring forth beauty from our ashes.


Twenty years ago (it is so hard to believe that it has been this long ago) we were expecting twins. It was such an exciting time as there are no twins on either side of our families. Somehow we knew it would be a boy and a girl. I can still remember the plans I made about their impending arrival. I could see in my imagination, a little boy and girl hand in hand toddling down the sidewalk of Teen Challenge. Whenever I thought about them, this was the image that would be in my mind each time.

But it was not to be. The twins arrived several weeks prematurely. Alex weighed 2 lbs. and Elisa weighed 3 lbs. I remember the first time I looked at them. Elisa seemed to look good and even had a little baby fat on her cheeks. But when I saw Alex, I burst into tears. He looked so tiny and sickly. There was really nothing we could do at that time, but pray and trust God for their futures.

We didn't learn until later that both Alex and Elisa had cerebral palsy. I had been noticing developmental delays in both children for some time, but hoped that it was just due to their prematurity. But an MRI was ordered and the neurologist gave us the bad news. She didn't know what the future would hold for them.  Dave and I left her office in a state of shock.

I was trying to cope as best I could with the news. But the heartbreak was almost unbearable at times. My constant dream of Alex and Elisa walking hand in hand down the sidewalk was quickly fading. The death of that dream was particularly hard.

I asked God "Why?" many times, but didn't seem to get an answer. Sometimes, I felt like He was standing and beckoning for me to walk down some unknown road with Him, but to be honest,  I wasn't too interested in following at the time.

Sometime later, I found out that another couple we knew were expecting twins. I remember being angry with God about this. My thoughts were, "Why are You allowing them to have healthy twins but You didn't let us experience that?" I truly didn't want them to go through what we were going through. I wanted them to have healthy children, but my heart was so hurt. God had truly hurt me, I felt. I remember thinking, "If this is how You treat Your friends, then how would You treat Your enemies?"

Any theological thoughts I may have ever had about pain and suffering were pretty much out the window by that time. I didn't understand, and I didn't understand God. He had let me down.

And yet, where do you go if you can't go to God? He was my dearest friend. I really didn't want to be separated from Him at all. He was really the only one that understood what I was feeling. If you think about your closest friend, what comes to mind? Usually, you are close because of all the experiences you have shared together - good times and especially bad times. That is what has made you close. Somehow and slowly, a decision was made once again in my heart that God hadn't changed. He was still kind and good. It may forever remain a mystery as to the why of our situation, but He remains faithful to the end. Many times over the years, I have sensed His nearness to me. The Bible says that He is close to the brokenhearted. I know that to be very true. When Alex suddenly went to be with the Lord at the age of four, I knew that God was covering me and blanketing me with His comfort.

I read a line out of a book in Dave's library once. It was either a book by A.W. Tozer or someone similiar. I think I must have been very bored that day and looking for something to read. But a line from the book caught my attention and I have thought of it many times since. It said something about "the altogether otherness of God". He isn't just like me, He is altogether other from me. I took it to mean that His ways and workings are vastly different from mine. Someday, I will look at Him and He will look at me, and I will understand. I will totally understand.

Of course, that doesn't mean that it's been all sunshine and roses. To this day, I still cry. Especially when I see a girl Elisa's age experiencing all the milestones such as getting a driver's license, shopping for clothes and makeup and making plans for their futures. It is terribly unfair. It isn't the way things were supposed to be. Do I believe that God can heal Elisa? Yes, I do. Will she be healed? I just don't know. Can I reconcile that with the belief that God is kind and loving? Somehow, yes. But only because I know Him. I know what He is like. I know His character and His dealings with me. He rescued me. He has loved me totally and completely and longs to love you in the same way.


Our human feelings are so fickle and really can't be trusted. I'm learning still to tell my feelings to settle down and get out of my way. I can act independently of how I am feeling in a moment of time. No, I don't always like doing that. And I still wrestle with thoughts such as, "God, are You there? Have you forgotten us?" That way of thinking is very much a slippery slope for me and before I know it, I can be in deep despair. It does take an effort on my part, to turn what I am thinking around.

The best advice I could ever give to anyone reading this who may be going through a dark and lonely time, is this. Don't try and live several years from now. You don't know what the future holds. The future may be quite different from what you are envisioning it to be. There will be happiness in your future. Live today and then tomorrow and don't try and live ahead of that. God gives us the grace we need daily. He is there with you, even if it doesn't seem like He is. He is in constant watch over you and will never leave your side.

  I've learned that even in the midst of hard times, you can still find joy. I try and never take anything for granted. I stop and watch sunsets and point them out to my kids. I want them to notice beauty in everyday life. I hope their lives are full of peace, but I also want them to know that even if they are experiencing turmoil, God is a very present help in time of trouble. I know that at times, all the signs point to the feeling of God having let us down in some way. He is silent when we wish He would speak. Or He does things that baffle us and our whole being cries out, "But I wouldn't do it like that!" Somehow through all the confusion and weariness of the battle, He is standing and beckoning to you and to me to follow. I know the feeling of taking a peek at the road He is standing on while He is looking at you. It doesn't look like a road we would pick for ourselves. It dips down out of sight and we who like to know exactly what each day holds, draw back in fear. But He smiles so warmly and picks us up, and holds us tight, because this journey is never one He asks you to go alone.


Linking up to:  kellyskornerblog.com